I find myself lost in thought as a movie that I watched multiple times before plays in the background. What is it about being a loner that I find so calming? What is it about being alone seems so romantic to me?

Although I am far from being antisocial, I like being alone. I like knowing that I am in the apartment by myself with just ghosts in my head as my company. Well, I have dogs too but that’s beside the point. The truth of the matter is I like being alone in the apartment. I like being alone with my dogs. I like being myself, which I feel like I have not done in a long time.

I have a mask you see. A mask that has been perfected throughout the years. A mask that shows me as a cheerful and extroverted person. When really, I am not. Deep down, I am introverted suffering from depression, anxiety, and fear of social situations. Do not get me wrong. Just because I am suffering from those things, does not mean I am not happy. That does not mean I do not smile or laugh. Smiling and laughing are not my default setting.

I created a mask when I realized people do not typically cater to people like me. I remember clearly being reprimanded for not being sociable, for not participating in class, and for just enjoying sitting in a corner and people-watching. Being psychoanalyzed by a coworker for being quiet, telling me that was something wrong because I did not feel like talking that day.

I don this mask on pretty much a daily basis. While I’m at work. While I’m in meetings. If I go meet people for drinks. This mask has opened a lot of opportunities for me. And that’s all good and dandy. But it’s draining.

Do I only feel comfortable being myself when I’m alone? No. There are a few people who know me well. Who can pick out my real laugh. My true smile. My true self. But not a lot of people are privy to that. And I’m okay with that.

Now that I find myself confined in the apartment alone with my thoughts, I feel liberated somehow. I have been able to think. Internalize. Reflect. Sure the noise in my head is a bit more pronounced since I do not have the mundane distractions of adult life, but I feel strangely at peace.

Not to say that my depression and anxiety are not at the forefront, because they are. However, despite them, I am okay. I feel like I can finally breathe after so many years. Or at least that is what I’m feeling right now.

I know that I am only in this situation because of what happened a few months ago. And I am still feeling a bit of resentment towards that but at least it has given me a chance to regroup. To actually think about what I want to do with my life. And who I want to be. I am still working on it. But I know that I do not want to be hiding behind a mask anymore.