Like The Tomato
Nothing here but my musings about daily life, books, anime, and food.
I’ve been doing morning pages on and off since last year. But it was not until recently that I found myself actually looking forward to writing in the morning before my day starts. What is it? Well, it’s just a practice of writing down a stream of consciousness. It must be three pages long. And it needs to be done first thing in the morning. The simplified way to explain it? It’s just a brain dump. And you don’t reread it. I’m not too strict with it. I had to change it a little bit to make it work for me.
What are the changes that I made? I do it after I feed my dogs, and sometimes, I do it during a more appropriate time. I am not a morning person in general. So waking up any earlier than 6 AM is tough. And I have duties in the morning. It amazes me how people can wake up any earlier than that. But I try to block my time so that I can do it before noon. So at least it is still morning when I do it.
Instead of committing to three pages, I blocked an hour every morning to write my pages. There are days that I write more than three pages, sometimes just two pages. And that is fine. As long as I write for an hour. When I started this last year, I found that the three-page commitment was just not working out for me and that was the main reason why I kept on dropping it. The three pages placed too much pressure on me and I did not want to do it at all. There were days that I just had nothing to write, and I didn’t find writing “I don’t know what to write” just to fill the page enticing. So, I tweaked it and I found it more productive for me. I know that this might just be in my head, but my brain (or my being really) found committing to an hour block more doable than committing to three pages. Three pages is daunting. An hour block is more palatable.
Other than those two things, I pretty much do it like how everyone else is doing it. It took me a bit to be okay with losing a train of thought when my brain decided to throw me a different one altogether. It took a bit of practice to let go of a thought because my brain wanted to unravel a new one. I’m pretty sure if – IF – I reread my morning journal I would be reading some incomplete thoughts. But I won’t be rereading them. That is the point of a brain dump. You dump the noise out of your brain to make room for new ones – more productive ones. I’ve realized that some of the noise that I dump on paper are ideas or things that I want to do so it helps to have a highlighter on hand to mark them to flesh out later. But to be honest, I don’t even highlight them. Right after the hour, I just write them on a piece of paper and stick it in my EDC.
What do I write about? Whatever is in my brain at that time. I have days where my brain would put me on a roller coaster and there would be a lot of self-reflection, and there are days where I find that my brain just wants me to write about fried chicken. Sometimes my writing was focused on feelings, and sometimes, it was focused on complaints. And that’s okay. As long as I write all of them. If a new thought comes to mind, I drop the other one and pull on the string of thoughts on the new one. It definitely took me a bit to be okay with this. It takes practice for sure.
One thing that I found so fulfilling about this exercise is the fact that I don’t have to be perfect. As a perfectionist, doing morning pages made me feel free. It’s been liberating for sure. I use a lined 8.5×11 journal. I know I am more inclined to use the journal if I like the supplies I use. So I did buy a nice-ish notebook and I use a gel pen for writing. But you can use anything. If 8.5×11 is too much, just use an A5 notebook.
I don’t even wear my glasses when I do this. The pages are blurry to me, and I just use the blur of the lines on the page as a guide on where to write. My penmanship is barely legible. And I don’t mind! Like I said, it’s a very freeing practice. And I think that’s what I really enjoy about this. I’m not writing it for anyone else. It’s for me. And I don’t have to reread either. It’s a write-it-down-and-forget kind of journaling. But as I said, sometimes my brain would be throwing ideas in there and since I’ve written it down, it’s easier to recall later to flesh it out.
How long have I been doing this nonstop? Two months on paper. I started last year, I used my freewrite machine for it. But I found that I get distracted with editing it. I was too aware of my writing. But since I decided to just do it on paper with a pen, I found that it was easier for me to just write continuously. It was pretty interesting trying to keep up with my brain. So there were a lot of unfinished thoughts, most likely mistakes, and there were definitely erasures. Would I keep doing it? Oh for sure. As I said, the practice is freeing. And I have not felt this free with writing in such a long time.
So last weekend, Slynx and I could do a movie marathon. Finally. It has been a hot minute. Regardless, at least we are back at it. So we chose three movies and we had fun. Were they the best movies? Nope. But you know what, we enjoyed them nonetheless.
Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023)
I mean, I chose this one because it was a Josh Hutcherson movie. It was a treat when we saw Matthew Lillard in this movie. The movie didn’t disappoint. At least for us, it didn’t. I am not familiar with the game. I just know that it was scary and there were jump scares. And that was enough for me not to be interested to watch the gameplay. Regardless, I appreciated the fact that the movie was not scared to make the story very human. The main pull for me was Josh’s story. And how he dealt with his trauma. I am not sure what other people complained about it, I didn’t really look for reviews on this movie, but if I would guess, it is probably because the movie focused on the human aspect. Like I said, I am not familiar with the lore so I am assuming it strayed from the original material. Anyway, it has some pretty decent jump scares. For me anyway. I get scared easily. Acting was top-notch. Not surprising with actors on the roster.
Me Spy (2020)
I was not expecting a lot from this movie really, but I wanted something lighthearted after Five Nights at Freddy’s. Slynx said that the plot was meh. I mean, it’s a family/kid’s movie. So yeah, I understand why they needed to make this palatable for younger audiences. But it did not diminish our enjoyment of the movie. The comedic timing was on point. I love Dave Bautista. He is such an underrated one. Considering that this dude has a lot more range compared to some other popular wrestler-turned-actor out there. The supporting cast was great. I was laughing, I was excited, and I genuinely enjoyed the story. And the dancing, oh the dancing!!!
Baby Driver (2017)
This was Slynx’s pick for the movie marathon. And it was a good pick. It was enjoyable for the most part. The premise was pretty interesting. I love me some heist movies for sure. But in theory, this was not a heist movie. Not really. Sure there were some plans but we didn’t really get to see the heist. We saw the escape because of course the movie was focused on Baby. The soundtrack was really good, I would give it that. The acting was great, again, not surprised considering the actors on the roster. Jon Hamm was great. Baby and Debora were cringe. There was really one character here that I really did not care for. He was a loose canon and talked too much. Not going to lie, there was a scene in this movie that I tuned out because he just talked and talked and talked. And I really did not give a fuck about this character or what comes out of his mouth. Anyway, the movie was still enjoyable for sure. I’ve been tempted to watch for a while so I was glad that Slynx suggested it.
- Title: Don’t Call It a Cult: The Shocking Story of Keith Raniere and the Women of NXIVM
- Author: Sarah Berman
- Genre: Nonfiction, Cults
- Pages: 336
- Publisher: Steerforth
- Published: 2021
I was in a True Crime kick. Well, not necessarily true crime, but I am getting into occults and cults in general. I have been obsessed with them. One thing that drew me into this self-help cult in particular is the fact that members were there by choice. These people were recruited and stayed. And I wanted to understand more of the psychology of it.
For those who don’t know, NXIVM was a multi-level marketing self-help organization. Well, it started that way. And on paper, the organization seemed to be helping people. Well, rich people. The 5-day ESP course was like 6K if I recall correctly. So yeah, definitely not for regular people like me who live paycheck-to-paycheck. In my head, I thought, yeah, rich people with too much money to spend. But you know what, I don’t blame them. Who does not want to better themselves? Who does not want to face life as the better version of themselves? Who can say no to progress and overcoming self-restrictions with just a five-day class compared to how many years of therapy?
It was definitely tempting. Enticing. And seems like for some people, the programs offered by this organization helped them. And really, who am I to diminish their good experiences being in that community? However, this book gave me an inside view of what was really happening inside the organization. I mean, the organization sounded progressive on paper, I mean, the leader definitely capitalized on women’s empowerment.
It all came down to how predatory the organization really was. From the structure. Promising their recruits that they could potentially start earning money by going up stripe path. And promotions were based on recruitment and continuing to take X amount of classes. I mean, seriously. Before anyone could earn money, you had to shed more money. Like I said, this organization was really for rich people.
From what I read, and all the documentaries I watched regarding this group, the people who stayed were broken down, and then love-bombed to let those people know that they accept their flaws as well. The organization made them believe that this was the only place that could make them better versions of themselves. And that was crazy! From the unsanctioned medical experiments, from manipulation via NLP, and then using the power of suggestion. Yeah, it was a trip reading and listening to testimonials from former members.
The real slap on the face though was the organization’s subgroup called Jness. They marketed it as the only women’s empowerment group created by a man. Trust me, I rolled my eyes at that. And reading up on it and watching the documentaries, all I could think of was “You guys actually had this leader mansplain how to be a woman”. This was also a way for the leader, Raniere, to pick and choose who would be recruited to DOS. His sex cult. According to some testimonials, not all the 100+ members of this “sorority” had sex with Raniere, but there were a select few hand-picked by this man, to be groomed to have sex with him in the guise of “healing”. When I read how he explained sex and how he used it for spiritual and energy transference, I almost threw my tablet across my bedroom. Because of the ridiculousness of it. I am not blaming the women at this point, because the women who fell for this kind of BS had been broken and indoctrinated already. Some of them were groomed to accept it. DOS was really Raniere’s fantasy of building his sex dungeon, which he liked to call a “dorm”, with some number of carefully selected young women slaves.
Of course, like any perverted cult leader, grooming teenage girls, especially the sisters, was not a surprise. Counting calories and sleep deprivation were disguised as building character and discipline, which apparently are two characteristics that women lack. According to a man. Like I said, this leader mansplained being a woman to women. Don’t even get me started on their views on victimhood and abuse. And the fact that this was taught in ESP classes. I just cannot. Well, you know, it really made me want to punch this leader repeatedly in the face.
I have so many thoughts on this cult. And it makes my blood boil. The book really did help me understand some of the psychology. It made me understand why it became a huge organization for years. I understood why some people joined and stayed. And to the people who defected, they said that once they stopped drinking the Cool Aid, then that was when all the red flags glared at them. I know a lot of people would say “I would never be sucked into a cult like this”. And to me, after reading the book and watching the documentaries, I could not think this way. The people who were sucked into this organization were not stupid. These were and are accomplished individuals who got exploited by a leader who knew how to use their weaknesses to keep them in the organization. These people just wanted to be better. To feel better. To understand themselves. I mean, honestly, and I hate to say it, if I was approached by one of these recruiters (women recruiters) when I was in my early 20s, yeah, who knew what would’ve happened? Well, nothing. Cause I didn’t have $$$ to pay for the classes. But if I had some kind of disposable income back then and I got approached, yeah, maybe. Like I said, the organization was really good on paper. Again, someone like me, who would always find a way to learn more and understand more, yeah, I would’ve at least attended a 5 day intensive. Now that was a scary realization.
Hey, it’s been a while. What have I been doing? I’ve been busy with life. Really. I moved. So that took a chunk of my time. I still have not finished unpacking because, for the most part, I am too lazy to do anything. And that is a shame on me. But how am I liking the new place? A lot better. I am not trying to romanticize my move or anything, but the moment I drove inside this gated community, I felt at home. I knew that regardless of how many places I looked at, I would end up here. And I did. It felt so homey. With the trees lining the apartments. The kids playing outside. The teenagers walking around. Yeah. It was such a nice environment that I knew that I would like to live here for a few years.
Like I am still not finished unpacking. Well, I guess the necessities are unpacked. At least the books have been unpacked. It took a whole day. Now, I just need to put them in an Excel file. This would be the first time that I would be cataloging the books in a spreadsheet. And it’s daunting. Well, I did enter some already. I just need to finish it and make sure that every book has a location and is tagged on the Excel file. I want to create a dashboard for it. What can I say? I like daunting tasks.
Speaking of books, my reading has slowed down since the move. And since I started working again really. Not complaining. I am just stating a fact. I would love to read more. But right now, I am not in the mood to pick up a novel. My interest has been hijacked by forensic psychology. For someone who never enjoyed psychology in college, this development is a surprise. I have been consuming a lot of interrogation videos lately. The past month or so I think. Enjoying it is not the best way to describe it. More like, it tickles my brain to get into the psychology of why these things happen. And yes, I started putting books on my shopping list to read. Because why not?
I’ve also been consuming a lot of documentaries about this certain group or high control groups, in general. I know I am late in the game since this happened years ago. But I have been watching what I can and even reading a book about this one specific group. And it all comes down to why and how were these people sucked in to join this group. What was it about the leader that drew them in? I am not judging. Far from it. Just curious. I mean, I saw a lot of interviews and videos of this dude and I don’t see it. But also, I am already coming into this topic with preconceived notions about this guy so I know my bias is present when consuming the information. But damn. Again, it all comes down to my curiosity as to why and how, and what the fuck.
Other than that nothing changed. I’m still a loner and I like it that way. I am still a very introverted person and would rather spend my time at home and couped up in my room. However, I have been spending some happy hour time with coworkers. Not often, unlike during the holidays. But I make sure that I do it when the invite is there. Because you know, socialization apparently is important. My social battery has been depleted quite a few times these past weeks. All the meetings (scheduled and impromptu ones), the lunches, the get-togethers. Yeah, I am tired. All of the time. But I mean, it’s fine. That is the way to make connections right?
You know what I’ve been doing right now? Just consuming a lot of true crime docs. That has been my go-to thing for the last two weeks. I have nothing to do? Put on a true crime series. I have work to do? Put on a true crime series. I need background noise while reading? Put on a true crime series. Like what? Okay, this is nothing new for me. Like I said, my interests cycle. So I guess, now I am in this phase. Nothing wrong with that. I just tend to get obsessed with an interest when it’s up.
One docuseries that kind of aggravated me a lot was Bad Surgeon. I watched it right when it was released. It has three hour-long episodes and the deeper I got into it, the more triggered I was. Like what the actual fuck. It was such an unethical practice and the consequences were horrible. Throw the lying and the coverup and I was seething.
I mean, I watched disturbing stuff too – serial killers, murder scandals, financial frauds, cults, assaults. And I would lie if I say that I’m never affected by them. They do trigger my anxiety a lot when I watch certain true crime topics and I often find myself taking a break. But as of right now, I keep on coming back apparently.
My partner and I also started watching Link Click. Not going to lie, that I put this on my watchlist not knowing really what it was about. All I knew about it was that it was a donghua. And I automatically bookmarked it because of the two guys on the thumbnail on Crunchyroll. Three episodes in and both of us were enjoying it! The premise was really interesting, so far we’re both hooked on it. The soundtrack bops. So I cannot complain!
I’ve also been consuming some hockey romances. So that’s that.
Well, another year is done. 2023 flew by pretty quickly. I often complain that when you were a teenager, the years go by so slowly. But once you hit a certain age, for me it was the age of 21, the years just go by really fast. And there is nothing you can do about it.
2023 was a challenge. It was not fun. It was difficult. And for most of the year, I felt that I was drowning. What the heck happened in 2023?
Job. I lost my job during Q1. Sure, I was not particularly attached to my job but it was something that paid the bills you know. I found myself hateful. Not because of what I lost, but because of how management handled it. The lies. The lack of transparency. The lack of empathy. Let’s just say, it was bad. I was unemployed for about 7 months. The job market was awful. There were a lot of ghost job posts out there. I didn’t count how many positions I applied for, but for a lot of them, I didn’t even get that general rejection email. Out of all that, I only got three interviews. One of them resulted in me getting a new job by November.
Personal and Mental Health. Well, with being unemployed came depression and anxiety. The thought of when I would be homeless came to mind. It was not a good thought to be stewing upon. I was struggling with having the motivation to do anything. I isolated myself. Not because I didn’t want to be social but because I’d rather be in bed and not talk to anyone. For the most part, that was what I did. l was fine at the beginning of the unemployment mind you. But as the months passed, I just shut down and shut people out. And that was not good. Not just for me but for the people around me. I worried them and that was not good. I started bouncing back around October and from then I’ve been kind of establishing the routine that I lost. So far, I’ve been doing okay. Sure I still have bad days but not often. So I will take that.
Reading. I devoured some good books. Heaven Official’s Blessing is at the forefront for sure. This series did put me in a good mood. It was a nice escape from my brain. Craig & Fred was a memoir that I enjoyed a lot. I found gems in the manga/manhwa/manhua format – You Get Me Going, How My Daddies Became Mates, Given. There’s a lot more of course but these three became my favorites off the bat. In total, I read 177 items for 2023 – 56% of which were manhwa, 25% being novels. Out of the items I read, 67% were webtoons, 17% were in physical format, and 16% were eBooks. Sure my consumed genre could use a bit of diversification but hey, the genre that I mostly read was worth it.
Goals for 2024. I have some resolutions of course. The regular “lose XX lbs”, “read XX physical books”, “save $XX”. I did break these yearly goals into mini-goals so that I can at least keep track of them more efficiently and so it’s not so daunting to do them. All I know is that I’m ready to get my life on track this year. I was a mess last year, I need some kind of control over my life.