• Title: Hi, Anxiety: Life With a Bad Case of Nerves
• Author: Kat Kinsman
• Genre: Nonfiction, Memoir
• Pages: 229
• Publisher: HarperEnt
• Published: 2017

This book has been sitting on my bookshelf for a while. A couple of years maybe? Who really knows. What made me decide to pick the book up? Why now? Well, it’s very timely actually. I am in a downward spiral with mental health and I wanted to read how someone lives through it.

Well, one thing that I realized as I experience Kat Kinsman’s memoir was the fact that I really do not have it as bad as other people. My anxiety and depression are nothing compared to other people. And for that I’m grateful. Because I would have no idea what to do with myself. I could barely manage what I have right now.

One quote that really resonated with me was “…the fewer people who worried about me, the less guilt I had about taxing their strained resources”. I felt this. I am a suffer-alone kind of person. So I know this feeling very well. I don’t like having to disturb anyone else with my issues. But this memoir is about Kat’s journey in accepting, sharing with others, and living with her “baggage”. And I enjoyed every minute of it.

There were some situations and feelings that definitely felt familiar. Might not be of the same magnitude, but I felt it nonetheless. One thing that hit me in the head was the constant question of self-worth. “Because you don’t deserve any of this…” This was in the intro, second paragraph. And as I read the whole statement, all I could think of was oh shit. Always constantly questioning the blessings, the material things, the people, and even the dogs that I have in my life. I’m still working on this. I mean, I know that everything I have I worked hard for. The people around me, the few of them, chose to stay with me regardless of my own “baggage”. And my dogs, well my dogs love me unconditionally. I have to work on not questioning these things so much.

There were some triggering situations. Well, one. Bullying. Not that I experienced it firsthand. But I just don’t understand how a person can do such things. I mean, the mind games and the way Kat’s “friend” just demolished her self-confidence was such a horrible thing to do. The fact of the matter is that this was all done by a kid. Yeah. Crazy. Some of her experiences made me laugh. Well not LOL, but I laughed nonetheless. I mean, Kat’s stint as a dominatrix was entertaining. I understood why she enjoyed it. It was getting some kind of control or having something that she can control. I understood all that. Do I have the same urge? Not really. But I get it.

I also enjoyed her take on her relationships. A lot of them were of course unsuccessful. But I thoroughly enjoyed how she and her husband got together. I like the fact that it was him that she opened up to, it was him that she welcomed to her space. And the fact that he accepted her “baggage” was really commendable. I mean, just reading about her crippling depression and anxiety, I could say that it would be a lot of burden to someone else. Especially to a partner. I don’t say this lightly, it takes a special person to be with someone who has this kind of baggage. And I really liked that Kat found her special someone. The fact that he made her feel safe enough so that she can share herself with him. That is something. And her dad! I cannot forget her dad. Every time that he was mentioned in the book, I couldn’t help but smile. He was such a gem and a saint.

The book was really honest and very candid in a way. It seems raw. At least to me. I loved the sections titled “Irrational Fear”. But there was really one thing that I want to take with me: Anxiety “is not weakness. This is not craziness. This is not anything to be ashamed of”. I need to keep repeating this to myself. Because yes. It’s not. Sure, I’ve been more open about my anxiety but I am still a working progress. A lifetime of unlearning and all that. And I also have to remember that leaning on someone else is okay. “They’re grateful to see you unclench a little, let your guard down, and trust them to see the real you – even if that’s an anxious, needy mess.” The people who really care about me will stay and support me. Will understand. And me opening up, sharing my space, and letting them in my mess shows that I trust them. And I think that is a good foundation for any relationship.