Like The Tomato

So, there will be an EHS audit at work tomorrow. Am I nervous? Not really. I am more annoyed that I have to wear actual pants tomorrow and not my usual tights and shorts combo. Damn. But other than that, I would really like to hear their recommendations on improving the lab.

Anyway, I started reading Howl’s Moving Castle the other day. This book has been sitting on my bookshelf, and I tried reading it before but I wasn’t in the mood for it at that time. My hun and I watched the movie last weekend and I decided that now is the time to pick it up. So I did.

I am still pretty early in the book but there are already some differences between the two mediums. That’s okay though. Creative liberties and all that. These differences don’t really turn me off in the slightest. So I will continue reading.

In line with me starting a different book, I had to put down Lamb. My attention is waning from that book. I know I’ll get back to it at some point. But not right now. I have a few books on my nightstand at the moment that I have started reading but have not picked up again. Yeah, that pile is getting larger.

I feel a bit tired right now though. My eyes want to close for some reason. I am sitting in front of the computer right now and I really shouldn’t be feeling this tired. It’s only 7:30 pm for crying out loud. I am such an old lady.

Pressure. Stress. Anxiety. Yeah, like I said yesterday, I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb. Regardless, I am still trying to make my life as normal as possible. 

First things first – I need to create a data scientist resume. I know I am not confident with my skills and that is okay but I just need to start doing something to further my career. I keep complaining that I’m bored and I need a new challenge but I’m really not doing anything to remedy that. I need to start somewhere. This is the first step.

Second – find a place where I can apply. Do I have dreams of working for big tech companies? Not necessarily. But I do have dreams of getting out of where I am at now and moving on with an actual desk job that challenges my brain for once. 

Third – I need to start learning python for real. Not procrastinate on it anymore. I am done with being lazy. 

Fourth – find a nighttime job. Remote ideally. Looking at some data analyst jobs right now. Or even a contract job to be honest. Since I just want to get a foot in the door. Build some experience. Extra income I should say. It might not be for the long run but at least for right now, I can do this.

I have to do this. I need to do this. I need to get my life on track. These things are controllable. These things are under my control. So for something to change, I need to step up.

Just for the sake of transparency, I have been feeling off lately. I mean it definitely showed in my last post. What was that? Ten sentences or less? Let’s just say I’ve had better days. Could be anything really. Stress, burnout, anxiety, depression. Yeah, I am experiencing those right now. And there are days that I feel like I’m underwater. And there are moments when I feel like I’m drowning.

A lot of people will say to go get help. Talk to someone, talk to a professional. That is all well and good, but do you know how unaffordable mental health is right now? Even with the convenience offered by  Better Help or Cerebral, mental health is still not affordable. Not to me anyway. How horrible is that? So for the time being, I am handling this the best way I can – compartmentalization so I can function.

The reading was a bit slow again after last weekend. I did finish a novella on Tuesday, but after that, I wasn’t able to read the last few days. I’ve just been so out of it, to be honest. I just wanted to be in bed. Not do anything. And all I’ve been doing was pass out once my head hits the pillow. I have not been able to journal either. The last time I wrote in my journal was a few weeks ago. And the last entry I wrote was not even a half page. I wanted to journal for the last few days but I just stared at a blank page while holding a pen. I don’t know. 

How about work? I am quietly quitting, meaning I am doing the bare minimum to get the work done. I’ve been doing this for quite a bit now too. Months. Or maybe be even over a year now. If I am being honest with myself, I’ve been quite checked out from work for quite some time now. And the reason why I’m still working there is that I don’t have the luxury to quit at the moment. It pays the bills right now. But I know I need to find something better for myself. Or they can challenge me more I don’t know. But something really needs to change.

I’ve also been looking at places right now. For rent, for sale, doesn’t matter. I’m looking for options. A lot of the places that I found for rent that are cheaper than where I am at right now are about 1 to 1.5 hrs away from work. I am considering moving there once the lease is up from this apartment. My car will not be happy with the long-ish drive and the traffic. I don’t know. I have not decided yet. Rent right now is just so expensive!

There’s another thought that has been plaguing my head. Move back to California. Not that it’s cheaper because it’s not. But my moving back can be a way for my parents and me to help each other. And I nixed that idea right away every single time. Why? Because I don’t want to move back. Not because it felt like defeat. But more because I am happy living in Washington. Sure I may have my ups and downs but PNW feels like home to me. I don’t feel out of place here unlike when I was in SoCal. I don’t know. I really don’t want to marinate this idea in my head since I don’t want this to be a solution for myself. 

Nothing to say much today. Nothing really happened.

I was able to read at work for the most part since I was done doing my job in the first two hours of the workday. So my day was spent with me trying to look busy. Hence reading an ebook, then looking at my computer screen from time to time.

My hun and I didn’t get to hang out today. He has no internet at home at the moment. 

I also feel really tired. Well, exhausted really. I have nothing else to say to be honest. My brain can’t seem to think of coherent sentences at the moment.