Like The Tomato

Do you know what happens when your life seems out of place and your brain feels like it’s spiraling out of control? You find something that could drown out the thoughts. You look for distractions. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Finding some kind of distraction from my mundane life right now. People have different types of coping mechanisms to escape their reality. These are mine.

I have been rewatching the Scream franchise. Considering that these movies are far from relaxing, it’s very contradictory that the franchise somehow calms my brain and helps me focus. And I am all for it. My brain has always been like this. I need to have something in the background. And not just whatever. It needs to be something specific. Right now, apparently, my brain only accepts the Scream movies. I tried other movies, some TV shows, and even YouTube videos. My brain just says “Put the goddamn Scream movies on!”

I also find myself devouring some books. I just finished a series and just started reading a new one. And no, it’s not the reading that I’m using as a coping mechanism here. It’s the material or genre of what I’m consuming that keeps me out of my reality. Let’s just say that if I pick a genre like this, know full well that I’m having some kind of internal crisis. I am not complaining. Far from it, I take all the reading that I can get. I just understand that when I’m reading books in this genre is my way of escaping my own brain.

And now I find myself getting distracted by mobile games. I’ve been downloading new games on a daily basis. I play the new game a couple of times and then I uninstall it. Of course, there are maybe one or two games that I would like and I would play that for a while. Right now, I am addicted to Jewel Sliding. I find myself obsessed with beating my best score. And honestly, that is all I wanted in a mobile game. It’s a puzzle and the only competition I have is myself.

These are not bad things. I just finally realized that these things are prominently featured in my daily life when I’m in a restless head space. Especially these past few weeks. My time has been consumed with reading and playing mobile games. I would do anything to distract me from whatever it is that life throws at me every day.

I was gifted my first journal when I was 10 years old. It was a gift from a cousin and I was hooked from then on. I do not remember what I wrote in it. But just thinking about how I was back then, I am pretty sure that some entries included some kind of unrequited crush on this boy named Joseph.

I cannot take a photo of my previous journals from back then. I cannot reread them just for shits and giggles. Why? Some people decided that I was not allowed to have them. A couple of people decided to invade my privacy and read them. And a college ex-boyfriend decided I should not keep one or let him read all of them since according to him I should not be hiding anything. (This was also the dude who wanted all my passwords because he seemed to think that I really should not have privacy whatsoever.)

Anyway, I burned all of them. All my journals from when I was 10 years old up to 16 years old. I do not have a record of them anywhere now. Never thought to scan them before disposing of them. Why? Fear. I do not want anyone to get a hold of the saved files. Again, privacy apparently was not a thing.

I picked up journaling again when I moved here in the US. And I’ve been keeping up with it since. Well, not religiously. Sporadically all through these years. Some are kept in a closet in the apartment, and some are displayed on a bookshelf. I have gone through different types of paper, different types of notebooks.

What is journaling to me and what do I get out of it? Journaling to me for the most part is a brain dump tool. Everything and anything that is in my head for the most part gets transferred on paper. Feelings. Insecurities. Memories – happy or not. I write them down. It’s a scrapbook of sorts. Pictures. Tickets. Collages. It could also contain my feelings regarding a book that I am reading. Everything is in one notebook. Sure, my journal may not have the organization that most people who journal have, who have different journals for different purposes. But I find that having only one journal for everything reflects who I am. Organized in a way but chaotic at times.

Have I reread my journals? Yes, I have. Because honestly, it was fun reading what my concerns were back when I was in my early 20s. I enjoy reading how a certain song made me feel. I like reading about past relationships and how they made me feel. It showed me trends in I how dealt with things and my behavior. I loved seeing the memories on a page or more. I enjoyed looking at some dried lilies that were pressed in between the pages and reading what they were associated with. The journals showed me how much I changed and not at the same time.

What is my current journaling setup now? I mean, I know I said I tend to just use one notebook for everything. That changed a month or so ago. I also journal in the morning and throughout the day now instead of waiting until the end of the day. What tools do I use now? I have a couple that I use. One is a Freewrite Traveler device and another is a Traveler’s Notebook.

Astohaus Freewrite Traveler. I mainly use this for my morning pages. I know people said to use paper and pen for this habit but honestly, this device works great for me. It’s a device that makes me write without distractions – no emails, no internet, no browsers. Just turn it on and type away. My morning journal is strictly a brain dump journal. I type whatever in there. Without rhyme or reason. I just type whatever noise I have in my head. Much like, emptying a bag so you can fit more kind of thing. And no, I don’t reread this. It’s really just a type and go kind of thing. No looking back. For the most part, whatever gets inputted here in the morning are noises in my head.

Traveler’s Notebook. This one I use for all the other stuff. Memory keeping. Feelings. And all that. A bit reflective entries. And I journal throughout the day. I find that I like being able to write whenever I am feeling something at a certain time of the day. May it be as trivial as the heat. May it be something that is more substantial like feeling some anxiety over something. Or just talking about a TV show that I just watched. This is where I use ephemera and stickers and maybe some pictures. This is the journal that I would be reading maybe in a couple of months just for amusement purposes.

Do I ever repeat what I put in my morning pages to my regular journal? Not so much. However, if there is a noise that I dumped on my freewrite that needs more thought, then yeah. Mainly ideas that needed fleshing out. Seeing if those ideas are feasible to do at all or not. Weighing the pros and the cons of making the said idea into a concrete project. There are a couple of ideas that I am trying to flesh out right now. Figuring out the logistics and all that.

Honestly, I just love how therapeutic journaling has been for me. And for someone who is always in her head, writing those thoughts down has been a great help. Especially recently. It has made my mood a lot better. I feel lighter.

I find myself lost in thought as a movie that I watched multiple times before plays in the background. What is it about being a loner that I find so calming? What is it about being alone seems so romantic to me?

Although I am far from being antisocial, I like being alone. I like knowing that I am in the apartment by myself with just ghosts in my head as my company. Well, I have dogs too but that’s beside the point. The truth of the matter is I like being alone in the apartment. I like being alone with my dogs. I like being myself, which I feel like I have not done in a long time.

I have a mask you see. A mask that has been perfected throughout the years. A mask that shows me as a cheerful and extroverted person. When really, I am not. Deep down, I am introverted suffering from depression, anxiety, and fear of social situations. Do not get me wrong. Just because I am suffering from those things, does not mean I am not happy. That does not mean I do not smile or laugh. Smiling and laughing are not my default setting.

I created a mask when I realized people do not typically cater to people like me. I remember clearly being reprimanded for not being sociable, for not participating in class, and for just enjoying sitting in a corner and people-watching. Being psychoanalyzed by a coworker for being quiet, telling me that was something wrong because I did not feel like talking that day.

I don this mask on pretty much a daily basis. While I’m at work. While I’m in meetings. If I go meet people for drinks. This mask has opened a lot of opportunities for me. And that’s all good and dandy. But it’s draining.

Do I only feel comfortable being myself when I’m alone? No. There are a few people who know me well. Who can pick out my real laugh. My true smile. My true self. But not a lot of people are privy to that. And I’m okay with that.

Now that I find myself confined in the apartment alone with my thoughts, I feel liberated somehow. I have been able to think. Internalize. Reflect. Sure the noise in my head is a bit more pronounced since I do not have the mundane distractions of adult life, but I feel strangely at peace.

Not to say that my depression and anxiety are not at the forefront, because they are. However, despite them, I am okay. I feel like I can finally breathe after so many years. Or at least that is what I’m feeling right now.

I know that I am only in this situation because of what happened a few months ago. And I am still feeling a bit of resentment towards that but at least it has given me a chance to regroup. To actually think about what I want to do with my life. And who I want to be. I am still working on it. But I know that I do not want to be hiding behind a mask anymore.