Nothing here but my musings about daily life, books, anime, and food.
Ah, this is what happens when you have a lot of time on your hands. What? I was stuck in bed the whole day nursing a headache. And spent the entire day in a browsing loop on whatever streaming service I have on the TV. And landed on a new show that surprisingly is actually making me laugh.
Not Dead Yet. I mean what is not to enjoy about a writer getting her life together, assigned writing obituaries…Catch? She sees and talks to the people she writes about. It’s a riot. The show is called Not Dead Yet. And it’s based on a novel called Confessions of a Forty-Something F*ck Up. Yeah. I had to stop myself from buying the book right now. I need to wait. I have way too many books to read right now.
How I Met Your Father. I also finished watching How I Met Your Father. Yes, I also marathon’d the two seasons. Because you know, why not. Robin and Barney did cameos. Honestly, I enjoyed it. It was not the same as the original but I’m okay with this spin-off. It made me laugh. It still has the classic will they won’t they trope.
I finished a book last night. And I think that was the reason why I had a headache the whole day. Whatever. The book was fine. A lot of typos for sure. It could have benefited with some minor editing but I enjoyed this story. I definitely think it was better than book one. I just started reading book three, we shall see how I get to enjoy that one. Hopefully, it would be good. I mean like I said, I enjoyed the second book compared to the first one.
Any big plans tonight? Read some more. What else can I do? Not like I have a job to wake up for right now.
I find myself lost in thought as a movie that I watched multiple times before plays in the background. What is it about being a loner that I find so calming? What is it about being alone seems so romantic to me?
Although I am far from being antisocial, I like being alone. I like knowing that I am in the apartment by myself with just ghosts in my head as my company. Well, I have dogs too but that’s beside the point. The truth of the matter is I like being alone in the apartment. I like being alone with my dogs. I like being myself, which I feel like I have not done in a long time.
I have a mask you see. A mask that has been perfected throughout the years. A mask that shows me as a cheerful and extroverted person. When really, I am not. Deep down, I am introverted suffering from depression, anxiety, and fear of social situations. Do not get me wrong. Just because I am suffering from those things, does not mean I am not happy. That does not mean I do not smile or laugh. Smiling and laughing are not my default setting.
I created a mask when I realized people do not typically cater to people like me. I remember clearly being reprimanded for not being sociable, for not participating in class, and for just enjoying sitting in a corner and people-watching. Being psychoanalyzed by a coworker for being quiet, telling me that was something wrong because I did not feel like talking that day.
I don this mask on pretty much a daily basis. While I’m at work. While I’m in meetings. If I go meet people for drinks. This mask has opened a lot of opportunities for me. And that’s all good and dandy. But it’s draining.
Do I only feel comfortable being myself when I’m alone? No. There are a few people who know me well. Who can pick out my real laugh. My true smile. My true self. But not a lot of people are privy to that. And I’m okay with that.
Now that I find myself confined in the apartment alone with my thoughts, I feel liberated somehow. I have been able to think. Internalize. Reflect. Sure the noise in my head is a bit more pronounced since I do not have the mundane distractions of adult life, but I feel strangely at peace.
Not to say that my depression and anxiety are not at the forefront, because they are. However, despite them, I am okay. I feel like I can finally breathe after so many years. Or at least that is what I’m feeling right now.
I know that I am only in this situation because of what happened a few months ago. And I am still feeling a bit of resentment towards that but at least it has given me a chance to regroup. To actually think about what I want to do with my life. And who I want to be. I am still working on it. But I know that I do not want to be hiding behind a mask anymore.
You know, I spent today doing nothing productive. Well, technically I did things. Like daily chores and throwing the trash. But that was it. This is what happens when you’re ass is unemployed. Sure, there are minutes in a day that where you wallow in self pity and some self doubt, but the rest of time? You don’t do shit.
I know, I should be doing something productive and for the most part I did well during the beginning of this situation. But right now, my brain decided that it wants to do nothing. So, I decided to indulge it. Who am I to deny the organ that makes this body run of what it really craves to do?
Anyway, besides melting on my bed, I have been really into rewatching movies right now. I rewatched the Scream franchise because why not. I mean I always have some logistical questions about the movie. You know, this killer is too short to that, not enough leverage kind of thing. However, these “mistakes” do not take my enjoyment out of the movies. Ghostface is still my favorite slasher villain. Perfect who-done-it.
Also, I have been consumed by reality TV shows. Well, just one right now – Love Island. A reality TV show that brings me back to when I was forbidden to watch them by a controlling exboyfriend. I get the glee on watching how these people ruin their relationships by going to an island to meet with singles. “Oh my boyfriend cheated on me multiple times, I’ll take him to temptation island.” This goes vice versa of course. Boyfriends sometimes choose to bring their girlfriends on there.
The reasons were always “oh we want to make sure that we want to be with each other” or “I want to make sure that I can trust him/her” or “I want to make sure we’re taking the correct next step”. Some couples choose boundaries, some people don’t. But once the couples separate to their own respective villas to party it up with the singles, that is when the real entertainment starts. Well that and the bonfires and the reactions of these people seeing their significant others flirting it up. It’s great.
What is the actual pull though? I mean, I would never do it. So I am living vicariously through these people who are in a beautiful island (it’s Hawaii) and partying it up. Sure it’s at the expense of their relationship but I love seeing how these people make decisions after decisions that would incriminate themselves at the bonfire.
That make me sounds like I’m bored with my life. Well, right now I am. I am for the most part not doing anything. So yeah, picture me bored and enjoying the streaming services that I have available to me.
Well, I still have no motivation. I mean, no surprise there. However, I did laundry, which I have not done in a while. I consider this a win! Honestly, I was just thankful that I have enough clothes to use and that I could survive without doing laundry for a bit.
The big-ticket items on my list are still pending. I still have no motivation to do such things. And oddly, I am okay with that. I know that I would get to do them in time. Eventually.
However, despite the non-motivation of doing anything, I was able to finish Hi, Anxiety. It was a good memoir. Of course, it was a very timely read for me. So that was good. I’m currently debating on reading another nonfiction. I’m kind of in a kick so I kind of want to take advantage of it. I am still reading Lolita and Adrenaline Rush. Those books just took a backseat when I picked up Hi, Anxiety.
Hey, I also found a new BookTuber to follow – Ian Gubeli! It’s pretty difficult to find someone new on YT. This guy just started uploading last month and he only has about 10-ish vods up. Yeah, pretty fresh. I found a video he uploaded today on my recommended videos. And he made me want to reread It by Stephen King. I would think about it. Or just pick up one of the other Stephen King books I have sitting on the shelf. Who knows? I refuse to decide right now.
Any plans tonight? I would be reading. That has been my MO for the last few weeks. And I’m okay with that.
I have been neglecting this again. Not that I have anything important to say. I am just in a bad place right now. I am fine for the most part. Just living with a lack of motivation to do anything. And the fact that I just really want to curl up in bed. Yeah, if you know, you know. I also have been finding myself sick all the time. Well, I should say “sick”. Just a lot of headaches and my allergies have been awful lately. All good. I know that I’ll get better eventually. Just taking it a day at a time. Our best would never be the same every day. My best last month is definitely not the same as my best the last couple of weeks. My best these days is getting out of bed. And I need to be okay with that. I am working on it.
Depression is a bitch. But I am also realizing that I don’t have it as bad as a lot of people. But that doesn’t invalidate the fact that I feel it. And it’s still debilitating. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and often fight the temptation to go back to bed throughout the day. Sometimes I succumb to it. Sometimes the fight is successful. As I said, I am struggling lately.
Anyway, despite not having the energy to do anything else, I have been reading. I do not have the focus for reading for a long time, but at least I am able to read maybe 10 pages or so of the books I’m consuming right now. I am reading three books. So I take that as a win. I have been trying to sit outside in the morning for at least 30 minutes and read or write. And yes, I don’t try to force myself to be out there for a long time. I just want to look at something else aside from the bed. Be outside, but not really being outside?
It’s okay, I just really need to be okay when I am like this. I often berate myself and call myself lazy. But that is not the case though, right?
I’ve been finding myself in such a slump lately. Well, for the most part, my life is in a slump. I find myself in a very depressive mood. Not having any motivation to do anything at all – from chores to actually doing something that I planned on doing. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I wasn’t feeling well last week so I didn’t really do anything last week. That kind of extended to this week. And now it’s affecting my very being. I find myself self-isolating. Sure I still talk to my man or to my roommate. But most of the time, I feel like I’d rather be in bed and read. Or journal. Yeah, loner hobbies.
My reading has been okay. Not too bad. It could be better, in my opinion. I am still in the first 50 pages of Lolita and I am reading a romance novel as well. So I am not reading as quickly as I want. It doesn’t bother me too much but I sometimes wish I read quicker. I am not going to lie, there are some books and stories that I pretty much inhale and finish in a day or two. But there are some that drag and I find myself being taken out of the story for something or another. It could be because I had to type a sentence into Google Translate. Or I get annoyed with how the story is progressing because the progression does not make sense. These two things are the main issues that I’m experiencing right now with the books that I’m currently reading.
I will be picking up Enzo tomorrow from the dealers! It took about two days for them to get done with the things that needed to be changed and updated on the green monster. I was worried because I was scared that we won’t have a car this weekend to do errands. And also I have some kind of happy hour, get-together, celebration thingy with some friends from that lab I worked at. So that should be fun. I haven’t gone out in a while So we shall see.
Plans tonight? Read. I was able to read sporadically throughout the day today. So that was good. But I want to read more tonight.
© 2016 Daisy. All rights reverved