I have been neglecting this again. Not that I have anything important to say. I am just in a bad place right now. I am fine for the most part. Just living with a lack of motivation to do anything. And the fact that I just really want to curl up in bed. Yeah, if you know, you know. I also have been finding myself sick all the time. Well, I should say “sick”. Just a lot of headaches and my allergies have been awful lately. All good. I know that I’ll get better eventually. Just taking it a day at a time. Our best would never be the same every day. My best last month is definitely not the same as my best the last couple of weeks. My best these days is getting out of bed. And I need to be okay with that. I am working on it.

Depression is a bitch. But I am also realizing that I don’t have it as bad as a lot of people. But that doesn’t invalidate the fact that I feel it. And it’s still debilitating. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and often fight the temptation to go back to bed throughout the day. Sometimes I succumb to it. Sometimes the fight is successful. As I said, I am struggling lately.

Anyway, despite not having the energy to do anything else, I have been reading. I do not have the focus for reading for a long time, but at least I am able to read maybe 10 pages or so of the books I’m consuming right now. I am reading three books. So I take that as a win. I have been trying to sit outside in the morning for at least 30 minutes and read or write. And yes, I don’t try to force myself to be out there for a long time. I just want to look at something else aside from the bed. Be outside, but not really being outside?

It’s okay, I just really need to be okay when I am like this. I often berate myself and call myself lazy. But that is not the case though, right?

I’ve been finding myself in such a slump lately. Well, for the most part, my life is in a slump. I find myself in a very depressive mood. Not having any motivation to do anything at all – from chores to actually doing something that I planned on doing. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I wasn’t feeling well last week so I didn’t really do anything last week. That kind of extended to this week. And now it’s affecting my very being. I find myself self-isolating. Sure I still talk to my man or to my roommate. But most of the time, I feel like I’d rather be in bed and read. Or journal. Yeah, loner hobbies.

My reading has been okay. Not too bad. It could be better, in my opinion. I am still in the first 50 pages of Lolita and I am reading a romance novel as well. So I am not reading as quickly as I want. It doesn’t bother me too much but I sometimes wish I read quicker. I am not going to lie, there are some books and stories that I pretty much inhale and finish in a day or two. But there are some that drag and I find myself being taken out of the story for something or another. It could be because I had to type a sentence into Google Translate. Or I get annoyed with how the story is progressing because the progression does not make sense. These two things are the main issues that I’m experiencing right now with the books that I’m currently reading.

I will be picking up Enzo tomorrow from the dealers! It took about two days for them to get done with the things that needed to be changed and updated on the green monster. I was worried because I was scared that we won’t have a car this weekend to do errands. And also I have some kind of happy hour, get-together, celebration thingy with some friends from that lab I worked at. So that should be fun. I haven’t gone out in a while So we shall see.

Plans tonight? Read. I was able to read sporadically throughout the day today. So that was good. But I want to read more tonight.

I did it. I finally bought myself a Traveler’s Notebook. This was something that I had been stopping myself from buying for years. But since I want to use my fountain pen exclusively now, I decided it was time to buy it. I mean, the initial purchase was definitely something. But the refills for it are less than $12. Or at least the refill paper that I would be using for it is not expensive. And after trying it today for the first time, all I could think of was why I waited for years before actually doing it. I didn’t feel the need to hold the pen so tightly, I didn’t feel the urge to press the nib on the paper hard, and it was just writing smoothly there was no stress on my wrist. It was nice.

My day was spent taking naps on my chair. And some reading was done. But mostly naps. I took naps the whole day. It was nice. But me taking a lot of naps in a day was an indication that I am not in a good place. Granted, I was feeling off when I woke up. I mean, I was congested, my chest was tight. And the fact that my inhaler barely helped with the breathing meant that I was also having some kind of anxiety attack. It was not good. Today was not good.

No big plans tonight. Just rest. I need to wake up early tomorrow because I need to leave the apartment at 8 AM. I have an appointment, unfortunately.

This week was tough. Someone decided that it was fine to steal my dog’s food that got delivered this morning. Who the heck steals dog food? Like what the actual fuck? I’m just not having a good week – well, weeks really. I am in a really bad headspace. With some things going on in my life, I felt like the stolen package was just the cherry on top of a very rough week. Whatever.

I caved in and had pizza for dinner. I had no appetite the whole day. Dealing with the stolen package and that. I just didn’t want to think about what to cook. On top of that, it’s freaking hot here. So my temper was not really in a good place either. So I just ended up getting some pizza delivered. And I had no regrets. I threw calorie counting out the window today. Nope. I needed comfort food. And pizza was comfort food. It was worth it.

Yesterday, I had a girls’ night with Chris and we watched a couple of movies.

Harriet the Spy (1996). I never watched this movie. Apparently, this is one of Chris’ favorite movies. It was good. I had fun with it. I mean I had some very intense reactions to certain things – like Harriet’s parents taking away the one thing that she is passionate about, the bullying, how her parents reacted to her retaliation. But other than that, it was a lot of fun. I really liked the piece that she wrote at the end. She learned some lessons. And she apologized to the kids that she hurt with the original burn book.

Take the Lead (2006). I’m not sure why I never watched this movie. It was right up my alley. This would have been one of the movies in rotation for me to watch if ever. Also, I have no idea why I keep on mistaking this movie for Shall We Dance? Yeah, that other Jennifer Lopez movie. Anyway, this was also a really fun movie, obviously for a different reason than Harriet. It’s always nice seeing someone championing teens who were born without many resources. And for educators to go out of their way to give them those resources, creative resources. When it all comes down to it, I really do believe that there are other avenues for success. These things are not exclusive to sciences and mathematics. I sometimes wished that the arts were also given importance when I was in high school. Anyway, this movie was good. We enjoyed it. The Dungeon Kids were good. Dante Basco was Dante Basco.

No huge plans tonight. I just want to finish reading book 3 of this series that I’m enjoying. I just want to get lost in the pages for a little bit more. I just want to not think of anything else but this story right now.

I am not having a good week. I’ve been feeling really off lately. What I mean to say is that I have been feeling sick since Monday. On top of that, I just have no motivation whatsoever. My anxiety is also over the place. I’m feeling restless, but also I don’t want to move. So yeah, what a combo. I think the only thing silver lining for me right now is the fact that I don’t have hives or welts yet. Which normally would show if I’m having a really bad mental breakdown. I will take that as a win for now.

I’ve been reading a lot, which is good. I have not been able to read a book lately. So anything that would put me in the mood to actually read, I am all for it. I finished a novel the other day. And I am halfway done with this novel that I am reading. I am currently reading the 3rd and last book in a romance series. So if I finish reading this one, that would check my “finish a series” reading goal for this year.

I also started reading Lolita the other day. This book has been on my TBR for years. I just never had the energy to pick it up. Now why would I pick up this book considering the setting and the theme? The answer is simple. I’m interested. I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos regarding this book. So I want to see for myself. Apparently, there were a lot of interpretations of this book and honestly, I would like to see why there were people who thought that the narrator was the victim in this.

I also started rewatching How I Met Your Mother. I mean, 30 min shows are my jam. This is contradictory since I love watching long-form YouTube videos. I prefer my YT video essays that range from over an hour to almost six hours. But for produced shows, over 30 minutes is an overkill for me.

Anyway, no big plans for me today. Just stay in bed and read. Sure chores will always be there, but for the most part, I won’t be doing anything.

My roommate got offered a job today! Yay. That is one stressor eliminated. Now, I just need to find one for me. We got laid off at the same time, so it was definitely very stress-inducing for both us. I am not going to lie, more for me than for her, for some reason. But then again, the way my stress manifest is a bit different compared to hers. I tend to freak out. She tends to somehow just do it in stride.

The whole day I was stuck trying to fix my resume. Jesus, tailoring it to a job post is a bitch. I hate it.

I was able to do a little bit of organizing today. Not much, since I was pretty distracted. That, and I did not buy enough DVD/Blue Ray/Games shelving things. So I need to buy more of those. I need more room for my books. Well, mine and my roommate’s books. We have a lot. I have not done a formal count since it was in the 600 range. Once, I am able to get these organized, I would need to create a database for all the physical books we have.

I did play Honkai: Star Rail today. Which was a welcomed distraction. I was only able to play for a bit since my head started hurting. So I watched a movie today – Pitch Perfect. Because that movie was just damn fun. I mean the mermaid dance, the horizontal dancing. Classic. I still stand by my assessment that Beca and Chloe should be together. I mean, jesus, they just made sense to be me. I mean, Jesse and Beca were good too. But Beca and Chloe were just on a whole another level.

Anyway, no big plans tonight. I might read though. Well, most likely read since I don’t have anything else to do. I am also craving soda. Damn, this is a sign that I’m stressed by the way. I eat when I’m stressed and have very high cravings for sugar. So well, I guess I will have some soda.