Like The Tomato
Nothing here but my musings about daily life, books, anime, and food.
- Title: Don’t Call It a Cult: The Shocking Story of Keith Raniere and the Women of NXIVM
- Author: Sarah Berman
- Genre: Nonfiction, Cults
- Pages: 336
- Publisher: Steerforth
- Published: 2021
I was in a True Crime kick. Well, not necessarily true crime, but I am getting into occults and cults in general. I have been obsessed with them. One thing that drew me into this self-help cult in particular is the fact that members were there by choice. These people were recruited and stayed. And I wanted to understand more of the psychology of it.
For those who don’t know, NXIVM was a multi-level marketing self-help organization. Well, it started that way. And on paper, the organization seemed to be helping people. Well, rich people. The 5-day ESP course was like 6K if I recall correctly. So yeah, definitely not for regular people like me who live paycheck-to-paycheck. In my head, I thought, yeah, rich people with too much money to spend. But you know what, I don’t blame them. Who does not want to better themselves? Who does not want to face life as the better version of themselves? Who can say no to progress and overcoming self-restrictions with just a five-day class compared to how many years of therapy?
It was definitely tempting. Enticing. And seems like for some people, the programs offered by this organization helped them. And really, who am I to diminish their good experiences being in that community? However, this book gave me an inside view of what was really happening inside the organization. I mean, the organization sounded progressive on paper, I mean, the leader definitely capitalized on women’s empowerment.
It all came down to how predatory the organization really was. From the structure. Promising their recruits that they could potentially start earning money by going up stripe path. And promotions were based on recruitment and continuing to take X amount of classes. I mean, seriously. Before anyone could earn money, you had to shed more money. Like I said, this organization was really for rich people.
From what I read, and all the documentaries I watched regarding this group, the people who stayed were broken down, and then love-bombed to let those people know that they accept their flaws as well. The organization made them believe that this was the only place that could make them better versions of themselves. And that was crazy! From the unsanctioned medical experiments, from manipulation via NLP, and then using the power of suggestion. Yeah, it was a trip reading and listening to testimonials from former members.
The real slap on the face though was the organization’s subgroup called Jness. They marketed it as the only women’s empowerment group created by a man. Trust me, I rolled my eyes at that. And reading up on it and watching the documentaries, all I could think of was “You guys actually had this leader mansplain how to be a woman”. This was also a way for the leader, Raniere, to pick and choose who would be recruited to DOS. His sex cult. According to some testimonials, not all the 100+ members of this “sorority” had sex with Raniere, but there were a select few hand-picked by this man, to be groomed to have sex with him in the guise of “healing”. When I read how he explained sex and how he used it for spiritual and energy transference, I almost threw my tablet across my bedroom. Because of the ridiculousness of it. I am not blaming the women at this point, because the women who fell for this kind of BS had been broken and indoctrinated already. Some of them were groomed to accept it. DOS was really Raniere’s fantasy of building his sex dungeon, which he liked to call a “dorm”, with some number of carefully selected young women slaves.
Of course, like any perverted cult leader, grooming teenage girls, especially the sisters, was not a surprise. Counting calories and sleep deprivation were disguised as building character and discipline, which apparently are two characteristics that women lack. According to a man. Like I said, this leader mansplained being a woman to women. Don’t even get me started on their views on victimhood and abuse. And the fact that this was taught in ESP classes. I just cannot. Well, you know, it really made me want to punch this leader repeatedly in the face.
I have so many thoughts on this cult. And it makes my blood boil. The book really did help me understand some of the psychology. It made me understand why it became a huge organization for years. I understood why some people joined and stayed. And to the people who defected, they said that once they stopped drinking the Cool Aid, then that was when all the red flags glared at them. I know a lot of people would say “I would never be sucked into a cult like this”. And to me, after reading the book and watching the documentaries, I could not think this way. The people who were sucked into this organization were not stupid. These were and are accomplished individuals who got exploited by a leader who knew how to use their weaknesses to keep them in the organization. These people just wanted to be better. To feel better. To understand themselves. I mean, honestly, and I hate to say it, if I was approached by one of these recruiters (women recruiters) when I was in my early 20s, yeah, who knew what would’ve happened? Well, nothing. Cause I didn’t have $$$ to pay for the classes. But if I had some kind of disposable income back then and I got approached, yeah, maybe. Like I said, the organization was really good on paper. Again, someone like me, who would always find a way to learn more and understand more, yeah, I would’ve at least attended a 5 day intensive. Now that was a scary realization.
- Title: Craig & Fred
- Author: Craig Grossi
- Genre: Memoir, Nonfiction
- Pages: 288
- Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks
- Published: 2018
I always find it challenging to find the words to describe what I feel about a book that I really love. I am having one of those moments right now. I don’t even know how to start talking about this book. All I know is that this book became one of my favorite reads.
I took a War Literature class back in the day, and I really enjoyed that class. The books chosen for the required reading and writing during that class were pretty great. In fact, I found another favorite during that class. So when I found Craig & Fred online, I knew I had to buy it. Sure, it took a while for me to pick it up, but I was finally in the mood to read some nonfiction so I picked it up.
The book chronicled how an Afghan stray dog (Fred) saved a marine (Craig) and vice versa. I enjoyed the book’s semi-linear narrative. The chapters alternate between the times in Afghanistan and a US road trip. We got to see these two meet in Afghanistan during Craig’s deployment, Fred’s moment at the base leading up to his flight home to the US, Craig and Fred’s reunion, and the road trip with a friend. It was a ride.
I am not lying when I say that this book put me on an emotional roller coaster. I was smiling nonstop from when these two met, and in every single interaction Fred had with each marine. I did get annoyed at times because of the need to sneak Fred around because of some misguided BS about dogs being a distraction. I don’t get it and I will never get it. Really, euthanizing the dogs because marines should not get attached to them. Yeah. I just refuse to understand that. And I’m not going to apologize for it.
There were moments that broke my heart and led me to tears. The loss, the PTSD, and the struggle of going back to normal life after being exposed to such a stressful environment. And yes, I got stressed out and my anxiety was triggered when Craig, Fred, and Josh were in the woods. Or any chapter really where they were depicted to be in the woods during their road trip. But that’s because I am not an outdoorsy person. And would never choose camping. And there were moments that restored my faith in humanity – well some faith. I just love the random acts of kindness Craig and Fred received from the people they met.
Honestly, this is just such a heartwarming read and I didn’t want it to end. Yes, I already bought Second Chances because I really want to continue on with their journey. I am glad that I read this book. I was a bit worried that this book would end with Fred being left in Afghanistan. Good thing it didn’t happen or else I would be crying in bed. And this was really the reason why I loved the alternating timeline of this book. This was such a good read. A good reading experience for me. And I was glad that I decided to pick it when I did.
- Title: Hi, Anxiety: Life With a Bad Case of Nerves
- Author: Kat Kinsman
- Genre: Nonfiction, Memoir
- Pages: 229
- Publisher: HarperEnt
- Published: 2017
This book has been sitting on my bookshelf for a while. A couple of years maybe? Who really knows. What made me decide to pick the book up? Why now? Well, it’s very timely actually. I am in a downward spiral with mental health and I wanted to read how someone lives through it.
Well, one thing that I realized as I experience Kat Kinsman’s memoir was the fact that I really do not have it as bad as other people. My anxiety and depression are nothing compared to other people. And for that I’m grateful. Because I would have no idea what to do with myself. I could barely manage what I have right now.
One quote that really resonated with me was “…the fewer people who worried about me, the less guilt I had about taxing their strained resources”. I felt this. I am a suffer-alone kind of person. So I know this feeling very well. I don’t like having to disturb anyone else with my issues. But this memoir is about Kat’s journey in accepting, sharing with others, and living with her “baggage”. And I enjoyed every minute of it.
There were some situations and feelings that definitely felt familiar. Might not be of the same magnitude, but I felt it nonetheless. One thing that hit me in the head was the constant question of self-worth. “Because you don’t deserve any of this…” This was in the intro, second paragraph. And as I read the whole statement, all I could think of was oh shit. Always constantly questioning the blessings, the material things, the people, and even the dogs that I have in my life. I’m still working on this. I mean, I know that everything I have I worked hard for. The people around me, the few of them, chose to stay with me regardless of my own “baggage”. And my dogs, well my dogs love me unconditionally. I have to work on not questioning these things so much.
There were some triggering situations. Well, one. Bullying. Not that I experienced it firsthand. But I just don’t understand how a person can do such things. I mean, the mind games and the way Kat’s “friend” just demolished her self-confidence was such a horrible thing to do. The fact of the matter is that this was all done by a kid. Yeah. Crazy. Some of her experiences made me laugh. Well not LOL, but I laughed nonetheless. I mean, Kat’s stint as a dominatrix was entertaining. I understood why she enjoyed it. It was getting some kind of control or having something that she can control. I understood all that. Do I have the same urge? Not really. But I get it.
I also enjoyed her take on her relationships. A lot of them were of course unsuccessful. But I thoroughly enjoyed how she and her husband got together. I like the fact that it was him that she opened up to, it was him that she welcomed to her space. And the fact that he accepted her “baggage” was really commendable. I mean, just reading about her crippling depression and anxiety, I could say that it would be a lot of burden to someone else. Especially to a partner. I don’t say this lightly, it takes a special person to be with someone who has this kind of baggage. And I really liked that Kat found her special someone. The fact that he made her feel safe enough so that she can share herself with him. That is something. And her dad! I cannot forget her dad. Every time that he was mentioned in the book, I couldn’t help but smile. He was such a gem and a saint.
The book was really honest and very candid in a way. It seems raw. At least to me. I loved the sections titled “Irrational Fear”. But there was really one thing that I want to take with me: Anxiety “is not weakness. This is not craziness. This is not anything to be ashamed of”. I need to keep repeating this to myself. Because yes. It’s not. Sure, I’ve been more open about my anxiety but I am still a working progress. A lifetime of unlearning and all that. And I also have to remember that leaning on someone else is okay. “They’re grateful to see you unclench a little, let your guard down, and trust them to see the real you – even if that’s an anxious, needy mess.” The people who really care about me will stay and support me. Will understand. And me opening up, sharing my space, and letting them in my mess shows that I trust them. And I think that is a good foundation for any relationship.
- Title: Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup
- Author: John Carreyrou
- Genre: True Crime, Nonfiction
- Pages: 352
- Publisher: Knopf
- Published: 2018
I’m pretty sure everyone is familiar with Elizabeth Holmes and her fall from grace because of some unethical and questionable practices. I had a phase where I was consuming a lot of true crime content, fraud included. I consumed pretty much all the documentaries about Theranos available to me on all the streaming services and I almost finished the Hulu series, The Dropout. So it was really just a matter of time before I would also consume this book. And consumed I did.
The book read like fiction and I was enamored from the beginning. This was very compellingly written and I found myself glued to my seat or found myself saying “one more chapter” while reading in bed. This book definitely chronicles the ins and outs of Theranos and Elizabeth Holmes. From being the darling of Silicon Valley to her downfall. The book exposed how the CEO ignored the many issues the employees raised and focused on her branding and legacy.
“We can change people in and out. The company is all that matters.” I don’t know what shit this girl was smoking back in the day, but I don’t know why she did not realize that the people in the company – the people who were actually working – made the company run. From engineers to lab personnel. These people that she considered replaceable were the talents. The company was also working on a diagnostic technology. However, these talents were not allowed to collaborate with each other. This huge project required heavy collaboration in order to see that the flow was working. Again, what was the CEO smoking?
I am not a stranger to toxic work environments, but Theranos brought it to a whole new level. The employees were micromanaged and overworked. For what? A catered dinner? Give me a break, this reminded me too much about pizza parties. If you appreciated my work, let me see it on my paycheck and we’ll call it even. Also, Elizabeth did not like being said no to. Employees who disagreed with her or voiced a differing opinion got fired or got forced to quit or got demoted. Theranos definitely fostered fear in their employees. I was annoyed reading these parts for sure. Being a people leader, I was aggravated and disgusted by this.
No one on the board has a medical background whatsoever. Let’s just say that they were out of their depths on this one. I won’t touch the white woman blue-eyed charmer and the older white men who basically put her on the pedestal. Regardless, Elizabeth was able to get these men on board in itself was talent in marketing and sales. I mean, Elizabeth was charming and that in itself was a skill. They got sold on a dream, an impossible one at that. And that stupid FOMO (fear of missing out) mentality from these commercial places that Theranos had a contract with was sickening. The leaders in charge of these places were so blinded by this new technology that they were so scared their competitors would pick it up before they did which lead to them ignoring the red flags.
The biggest sin was the fact that this lady stretched the truth about the capability of Theranos’ technology. This resulted in having said service available to the public – to actual patients! Thus endangering them by providing wrong results that could lead to incorrect diagnoses that heavily affect patient treatments. Who in their right mind would do this? Well, I guess someone could. Someone could blatantly ignore patient welfare just for the brand and legacy and oh, to fulfill a dream of being a billionaire.
Honestly though, despite the aggravation I felt reading this book, I was glad that I read it. The author was able to convey a clear picture of what happened in this fiasco of a company. The downfall was the most satisfying part. I mean, that was deserved. Granted it took a while, but I was glad that there were people brave enough to be whistleblowers for this company. This was a good page-turner that kept me engaged starting from the beginning till the end.
- Title: My Friend Anna: The True Story of a Fake Heiress
- Author: Rachel DeLoache Williams
- Genre: Non-Fiction
- Pages: 304
- Publisher: Gallery Books
- Published: 2019
I remember being interested in this book when I first heard about Anna Delvey maybe a couple of years ago. Then I forgot about it. The next thing I knew, Netflix released a show called Inventing Anna. And of course, I devoured that show – marathon’d it one Sunday. What do I specifically remember about it? I did not like Rachel. And you cannot blame me for that, just watch the show, and tell me how Netflix did Rachel dirty.
“You are here to read about Anna Delvey, and I don’t blame you” is the first sentence in the Preface of the book. And Rachel was right. I bought the book and read it because of Anna Delvey. I did not buy the book to like Rachel but instead to know what she experienced. The show did not really expand on who Rachel is despite having an episode titled “Rachel”. But then what do you expect, Inventing Anna is a show about Anna, not everyone else.
The book was really easy to read. It was nonlinear at times – starting with the Marrakesh trip, then inserted with tidbits of who Rachel is, and the story of Anna’s and Rachel’s friendship. I liked how the book was set up. Starting with THE trip was a good strategy, with the later parts of the book dealing with the aftermath.
The book says it’s “The True Story of a Fake Heiress”. It wasn’t. Sure the book was about the Marrakesh trip and the aftermath. But I think it’s about the friendship of two people that soured and ended because one person decided to put one friend in such a horrible situation.
Anna’s and Rachel’s friendship read as superficial. At least to me. However, it does not make it any less real. The friendship was there, it was just a bit focused on having fun.
The conflict mainly focused on Rachel having to chase Anna down for the payment that she was owed for the Marrakesh trip. Rachel had to struggle financially in order to barely make ends meet. It was a very stressful situation that I do not wish on anyone. With Rachel not having any other choice but to get authorities involved.
Rachel was relatable. Her journey from being this timid person just letting things happen to standing up for herself and taking control of a very dicey situation is very commendable. The book humanized Rachel for me. Sharing tidbits of her life made her relatable to me. From her childhood, her love of The Great British Bake Off, and her tendency to box up her emotions and deal with problems on her own. I swore I was reading about myself – I mean, you know, aside from this traumatizing fiasco, mingling with people, and working in a magazine. I even made a note in the book “We are almost the same person. We could be friends in real life”.
I liked this book. I came in expecting a rundown of what happened in Marrakesh and what happened afterward, which I did. But what I got was so much more. I saw a friendship that had a very dysfunctional power dynamic that ultimately lead to its end. I saw a person who stood up for herself and took control of her life. Would I recommend this book? Yes. I would. Like I said, this book humanized Rachel for me. And after reading this, I could definitely say, that the show did not do her justice whatsoever.
By: Kate Moore
Format: Audiobook / Hardbound
Pages: 496
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Listening Length: 15 hours and 52 minutes
What do I do in my desperate attempt to battle a reading slump? Pick up a nonfiction about radium and how it affected the lives of the girls who worked in the watch making industry back in the day. Dark AF.
Nonfiction is something that I don’t pick up naturally. So when I decided to browse the genre in my library, it came as a surprise to me. What drew me initially was the cover. I mean, look at at it! Gorgeous! It was an instant borrow. I didn’t even read what it was about. I just went for it. And oh boy – it was a difficult read.
The book is about the radium girls – female workers of the watch industry basically applying this glowing material to watch dials. These basically chronicles the journey of the girls from the beginning of working in the factory through the trials that came years later.
I was lost in the pages in an instant. It was definitely a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I was excited for them getting their first jobs, getting their own money. I was raging for them when they were placed in harms way by these corporations wanting to sell these watches. When they were not protected enough while working with radium. Then what little protection they had was taken away. I cried when each one of them experienced the fatal effects of radium to the human body. I cheered with them as they surge on to fight against the companies they worked for to get what they deserved for working in such greedy companies.
When I said I was hooked the first second I started listening to it, I was hooked. I wanted to see how the journey ended for these women. It was a rough journey, definitely one of the most difficult reads I’ve ever experienced. And I loved every single minute of it. The fact that my anxiety was definitely triggered while reading this book is a positive thing.
So if you are feeling up to reading some history and what kind off pushed OSHA that we have today, I recommend you pick up this book.