Just for the sake of transparency, I have been feeling off lately. I mean it definitely showed in my last post. What was that? Ten sentences or less? Let’s just say I’ve had better days. Could be anything really. Stress, burnout, anxiety, depression. Yeah, I am experiencing those right now. And there are days that I feel like I’m underwater. And there are moments when I feel like I’m drowning.

A lot of people will say to go get help. Talk to someone, talk to a professional. That is all well and good, but do you know how unaffordable mental health is right now? Even with the convenience offered by  Better Help or Cerebral, mental health is still not affordable. Not to me anyway. How horrible is that? So for the time being, I am handling this the best way I can – compartmentalization so I can function.

The reading was a bit slow again after last weekend. I did finish a novella on Tuesday, but after that, I wasn’t able to read the last few days. I’ve just been so out of it, to be honest. I just wanted to be in bed. Not do anything. And all I’ve been doing was pass out once my head hits the pillow. I have not been able to journal either. The last time I wrote in my journal was a few weeks ago. And the last entry I wrote was not even a half page. I wanted to journal for the last few days but I just stared at a blank page while holding a pen. I don’t know. 

How about work? I am quietly quitting, meaning I am doing the bare minimum to get the work done. I’ve been doing this for quite a bit now too. Months. Or maybe be even over a year now. If I am being honest with myself, I’ve been quite checked out from work for quite some time now. And the reason why I’m still working there is that I don’t have the luxury to quit at the moment. It pays the bills right now. But I know I need to find something better for myself. Or they can challenge me more I don’t know. But something really needs to change.

I’ve also been looking at places right now. For rent, for sale, doesn’t matter. I’m looking for options. A lot of the places that I found for rent that are cheaper than where I am at right now are about 1 to 1.5 hrs away from work. I am considering moving there once the lease is up from this apartment. My car will not be happy with the long-ish drive and the traffic. I don’t know. I have not decided yet. Rent right now is just so expensive!

There’s another thought that has been plaguing my head. Move back to California. Not that it’s cheaper because it’s not. But my moving back can be a way for my parents and me to help each other. And I nixed that idea right away every single time. Why? Because I don’t want to move back. Not because it felt like defeat. But more because I am happy living in Washington. Sure I may have my ups and downs but PNW feels like home to me. I don’t feel out of place here unlike when I was in SoCal. I don’t know. I really don’t want to marinate this idea in my head since I don’t want this to be a solution for myself.