You know, I am not the most sociable person. I am not very open, I’m not approachable. I am friendly, but only to a point. I can be engaged in a conversation, but once the exchanges get too long, I get tired and I retreat. I put on my headphones and just close off the world. I guess my friendliness to people tends to be superficial. I’m guarded as a person, and I’m very picky about who I call friends.

The thing that I find really tiring is the fact that I have to pretend to be sociable. Being in a leadership position, I need to be. And it sucks. The moment I leave the lab, the moment I hear the door closed behind me, my mask falls off. That is one of my favorite things that happens every day. When I can just be myself; when I do not have to pretend anymore.

I guess I am missing my alone time. When I was younger, I can be alone and I would be okay. But I feel like wanting to be alone and quiet now that I am an adult, someone will always make it a point to psychoanalyze me. Unfortunately, this was a lesson learned. I just could not fathom why it was such a big deal that I wanted to eat alone in my car. Or be quiet. Apparently, my not wanting to interact meant that there was something wrong. That was the last time I did not wear my extrovert mask in public.

Why am I rambling about this? 

Because it is detrimental to my mental health having to pretend every day. There is a reason why I love the weekends. Because I am just at home and I can be a loner as much as I want. I can be quiet. I can get lost in my head. I can just be me. And after years of perfecting this mask, I feel like I am losing myself more and more. 

Well, this post turned personal really quickly. I did not mean to. I just did not feel like rehashing my day when all that really happens are forced interactions.