Like The Tomato
just me, my books, and my journals
Single-word Writing Prompt: CUT
Trigger Warning: self-harm
—
Badump. Badump.
That is all I hear. All of a sudden, my heart decides to be loud. As if it is the only thing that can make a sound. Not the sound of the dripping water from the sink. Not the other students walking outside in the hallway. Just my heart.
I take a deep breath. And there it is—the tears. I’m glad I held it in long enough to be hidden from other people. I don’t need more eyes to see me breaking. Weak.
In this cubicle, alone, hiding gives me the solace that I need. To be lost in my thoughts. To cry. To save myself. To compose myself. To regain the balance that I lost when his hand landed on my right cheek.
The embarrassment is there. The pain. The hurt. I know I did all the right things. I know I answered all of his questions. I know I said what he wanted to hear. Yet, here I am. Trying to hold the pieces of myself together as much as I can.
I need some kind of release. Some kind of relief.
I feel my left hand reaching for the hidden pocket of my school uniform. I sigh as my fingers touch the coldness of the only safety I know. The coldness that gives me peace.
I take it out of my pocket. Stare at it for a while. Such a small thing. Insignificant. But to me, it holds the quietness I need. This insignificant thing has the power to give my sanity back.
I carefully lift my white skirt. I press it against my thigh. I breathe as the coldness touches my skin. I let it envelop me in calmness. And as my heart quiets down, I press harder and slowly move it against my skin.
I watch as the blood starts to trickle out. Mesmerized as the red stains my skin. I continue pressing and moving it against my skin with practiced slowness. The slower I move, the longer I cut, the calmer I feel. The more my heart relaxes. The more I hear the sounds around me. The more the world comes alive. The more I feel alive.
I take one last deep breath before I stop. I stare at the perfectly straight line I just made, bright red against the other straight lines on my thigh. I don’t admire it. It’s not art. It’s a sign that I am breaking. That I am lost. I grab my handkerchief to wipe my thigh clean. Careful not to stain my white skirt. This is the last thing that I need people to know about me.
I leave the cubicle, and my reflection greets me. I smile as if nothing happened. I know why everything resulted to this. I know why I do this. I know that I should not be doing this. But right now, I am powerless to stop, especially if this is the only thing that makes me feel alive.
Well, here we go again. New year, new me? Such an abundance of videos and content about changing yourself. Be better. Be more productive. Be unrecognizable. Glow up. The pressure online is high. And really overwhelming.
I find myself getting lost in these videos. Why? Who doesn’t want to change? Who doesn’t want to be better? Who doesn’t want to be a totally different person? But when I think about it, the real question is, why am I so dissatisfied with myself that I want to reinvent myself? I’m still finding the answer to this one. But for 2026, I’m changing the way I view things.
The focus of this year is to enjoy my life. Enjoy what I have. Focus on things that make me smile and happy. No rigid goals or resolutions. These didn’t work for me in the past, and that won’t change. But I’m also not going rogue here. I need structure.
So here are the things I want to focus on this year:
Protect my time.
I need to treat time as currency and I need to spend it on things and activities that I enjoy. 2025 was not kind and most of the time, I felt like I didn’t have time for my hobbies. Ergo, no time for reading and writing. This year, I want to really protect my time. Actually do things that I like doing. This includes reading and learning. Block my time for them. Know when to be offline. Set boundaries. Again, time is currency. I need to be spending it on activities that I really love and truly enjoy.
Health.
I just need to workout, eat more veggies, and hydrate. I was getting better at it but I found myself falling off here and there. I found excuses. Too tired to workout. No time to cook. Not liking the tumbler I was using. Excuses. So for 2026, I refuse to look for justifications on why I cannot do these things. I have the time. I am never too tired. And I can drink from any glass or tumblers that I have. I just need to do and the motivation will follow.
Finance.
2025 was a bad year for my finances. I found that I was using shopping as a dopamine fix. I feel stressed, I shop. I feel anxious, I shop. I feel angry, I shop. I feel happy, I shop. You get it. I used to eat my feelings. I was proud that I stopped that last year. But did I really stop? No. I just substituted it for something else. So 2026 is a no-buy year. Well, I need to be mindful of where my money is going. But I know that managing my feelings better should be my main focus. And that will be managed in a healthy way – writing, moving around. Managing my feelings has never been my strong suit, so since 2026 started, I’ve been actively making conscious decisions to grab a pen and write or walk around the apartment.
Am I going to be strict with all these? No. They are guidelines. Just being mindful of what I need and want to work on. No noise. Just me. Little by little. I purposefully didn’t set goals. I didn’t define the outcome of what I want to happen. These focuses will be cemented in my brain and planner as to-do lists and blocks. Like oh! It’s 5 PM, time to get dressed and hop on the treadmill. Oh! It’s 4 PM, time to log off from work. If I fall off one day, no need to feel bad, just pick it back the next day. No guilt. No beating myself up for it. Just continue on as if the fall didn’t happen.
I’ve been doing morning pages on and off since last year. But it was not until recently that I found myself actually looking forward to writing in the morning before my day starts. What is it? Well, it’s just a practice of writing down a stream of consciousness. It must be three pages long. And it needs to be done first thing in the morning. The simplified way to explain it? It’s just a brain dump. And you don’t reread it. I’m not too strict with it. I had to change it a little bit to make it work for me.
What are the changes that I made? I do it after I feed my dogs, and sometimes, I do it during a more appropriate time. I am not a morning person in general. So waking up any earlier than 6 AM is tough. And I have duties in the morning. It amazes me how people can wake up any earlier than that. But I try to block my time so that I can do it before noon. So at least it is still morning when I do it.
Instead of committing to three pages, I blocked an hour every morning to write my pages. There are days that I write more than three pages, sometimes just two pages. And that is fine. As long as I write for an hour. When I started this last year, I found that the three-page commitment was just not working out for me and that was the main reason why I kept on dropping it. The three pages placed too much pressure on me and I did not want to do it at all. There were days that I just had nothing to write, and I didn’t find writing “I don’t know what to write” just to fill the page enticing. So, I tweaked it and I found it more productive for me. I know that this might just be in my head, but my brain (or my being really) found committing to an hour block more doable than committing to three pages. Three pages is daunting. An hour block is more palatable.
Other than those two things, I pretty much do it like how everyone else is doing it. It took me a bit to be okay with losing a train of thought when my brain decided to throw me a different one altogether. It took a bit of practice to let go of a thought because my brain wanted to unravel a new one. I’m pretty sure if – IF – I reread my morning journal I would be reading some incomplete thoughts. But I won’t be rereading them. That is the point of a brain dump. You dump the noise out of your brain to make room for new ones – more productive ones. I’ve realized that some of the noise that I dump on paper are ideas or things that I want to do so it helps to have a highlighter on hand to mark them to flesh out later. But to be honest, I don’t even highlight them. Right after the hour, I just write them on a piece of paper and stick it in my EDC.
What do I write about? Whatever is in my brain at that time. I have days where my brain would put me on a roller coaster and there would be a lot of self-reflection, and there are days where I find that my brain just wants me to write about fried chicken. Sometimes my writing was focused on feelings, and sometimes, it was focused on complaints. And that’s okay. As long as I write all of them. If a new thought comes to mind, I drop the other one and pull on the string of thoughts on the new one. It definitely took me a bit to be okay with this. It takes practice for sure.
One thing that I found so fulfilling about this exercise is the fact that I don’t have to be perfect. As a perfectionist, doing morning pages made me feel free. It’s been liberating for sure. I use a lined 8.5×11 journal. I know I am more inclined to use the journal if I like the supplies I use. So I did buy a nice-ish notebook and I use a gel pen for writing. But you can use anything. If 8.5×11 is too much, just use an A5 notebook.
I don’t even wear my glasses when I do this. The pages are blurry to me, and I just use the blur of the lines on the page as a guide on where to write. My penmanship is barely legible. And I don’t mind! Like I said, it’s a very freeing practice. And I think that’s what I really enjoy about this. I’m not writing it for anyone else. It’s for me. And I don’t have to reread either. It’s a write-it-down-and-forget kind of journaling. But as I said, sometimes my brain would be throwing ideas in there and since I’ve written it down, it’s easier to recall later to flesh it out.
How long have I been doing this nonstop? Two months on paper. I started last year, I used my freewrite machine for it. But I found that I get distracted with editing it. I was too aware of my writing. But since I decided to just do it on paper with a pen, I found that it was easier for me to just write continuously. It was pretty interesting trying to keep up with my brain. So there were a lot of unfinished thoughts, most likely mistakes, and there were definitely erasures. Would I keep doing it? Oh for sure. As I said, the practice is freeing. And I have not felt this free with writing in such a long time.
- Title: Don’t Call It a Cult: The Shocking Story of Keith Raniere and the Women of NXIVM
- Author: Sarah Berman
- Genre: Nonfiction, Cults
- Pages: 336
- Publisher: Steerforth
- Published: 2021
I was in a True Crime kick. Well, not necessarily true crime, but I am getting into occults and cults in general. I have been obsessed with them. One thing that drew me into this self-help cult in particular is the fact that members were there by choice. These people were recruited and stayed. And I wanted to understand more of the psychology of it.
For those who don’t know, NXIVM was a multi-level marketing self-help organization. Well, it started that way. And on paper, the organization seemed to be helping people. Well, rich people. The 5-day ESP course was like 6K if I recall correctly. So yeah, definitely not for regular people like me who live paycheck-to-paycheck. In my head, I thought, yeah, rich people with too much money to spend. But you know what, I don’t blame them. Who does not want to better themselves? Who does not want to face life as the better version of themselves? Who can say no to progress and overcoming self-restrictions with just a five-day class compared to how many years of therapy?
It was definitely tempting. Enticing. And seems like for some people, the programs offered by this organization helped them. And really, who am I to diminish their good experiences being in that community? However, this book gave me an inside view of what was really happening inside the organization. I mean, the organization sounded progressive on paper, I mean, the leader definitely capitalized on women’s empowerment.
It all came down to how predatory the organization really was. From the structure. Promising their recruits that they could potentially start earning money by going up stripe path. And promotions were based on recruitment and continuing to take X amount of classes. I mean, seriously. Before anyone could earn money, you had to shed more money. Like I said, this organization was really for rich people.
From what I read, and all the documentaries I watched regarding this group, the people who stayed were broken down, and then love-bombed to let those people know that they accept their flaws as well. The organization made them believe that this was the only place that could make them better versions of themselves. And that was crazy! From the unsanctioned medical experiments, from manipulation via NLP, and then using the power of suggestion. Yeah, it was a trip reading and listening to testimonials from former members.
The real slap on the face though was the organization’s subgroup called Jness. They marketed it as the only women’s empowerment group created by a man. Trust me, I rolled my eyes at that. And reading up on it and watching the documentaries, all I could think of was “You guys actually had this leader mansplain how to be a woman”. This was also a way for the leader, Raniere, to pick and choose who would be recruited to DOS. His sex cult. According to some testimonials, not all the 100+ members of this “sorority” had sex with Raniere, but there were a select few hand-picked by this man, to be groomed to have sex with him in the guise of “healing”. When I read how he explained sex and how he used it for spiritual and energy transference, I almost threw my tablet across my bedroom. Because of the ridiculousness of it. I am not blaming the women at this point, because the women who fell for this kind of BS had been broken and indoctrinated already. Some of them were groomed to accept it. DOS was really Raniere’s fantasy of building his sex dungeon, which he liked to call a “dorm”, with some number of carefully selected young women slaves.
Of course, like any perverted cult leader, grooming teenage girls, especially the sisters, was not a surprise. Counting calories and sleep deprivation were disguised as building character and discipline, which apparently are two characteristics that women lack. According to a man. Like I said, this leader mansplained being a woman to women. Don’t even get me started on their views on victimhood and abuse. And the fact that this was taught in ESP classes. I just cannot. Well, you know, it really made me want to punch this leader repeatedly in the face.
I have so many thoughts on this cult. And it makes my blood boil. The book really did help me understand some of the psychology. It made me understand why it became a huge organization for years. I understood why some people joined and stayed. And to the people who defected, they said that once they stopped drinking the Cool Aid, then that was when all the red flags glared at them. I know a lot of people would say “I would never be sucked into a cult like this”. And to me, after reading the book and watching the documentaries, I could not think this way. The people who were sucked into this organization were not stupid. These were and are accomplished individuals who got exploited by a leader who knew how to use their weaknesses to keep them in the organization. These people just wanted to be better. To feel better. To understand themselves. I mean, honestly, and I hate to say it, if I was approached by one of these recruiters (women recruiters) when I was in my early 20s, yeah, who knew what would’ve happened? Well, nothing. Cause I didn’t have $$$ to pay for the classes. But if I had some kind of disposable income back then and I got approached, yeah, maybe. Like I said, the organization was really good on paper. Again, someone like me, who would always find a way to learn more and understand more, yeah, I would’ve at least attended a 5 day intensive. Now that was a scary realization.
Well, another year is done. 2023 flew by pretty quickly. I often complain that when you were a teenager, the years go by so slowly. But once you hit a certain age, for me it was the age of 21, the years just go by really fast. And there is nothing you can do about it.
2023 was a challenge. It was not fun. It was difficult. And for most of the year, I felt that I was drowning. What the heck happened in 2023?
Job. I lost my job during Q1. Sure, I was not particularly attached to my job but it was something that paid the bills you know. I found myself hateful. Not because of what I lost, but because of how management handled it. The lies. The lack of transparency. The lack of empathy. Let’s just say, it was bad. I was unemployed for about 7 months. The job market was awful. There were a lot of ghost job posts out there. I didn’t count how many positions I applied for, but for a lot of them, I didn’t even get that general rejection email. Out of all that, I only got three interviews. One of them resulted in me getting a new job by November.
Personal and Mental Health. Well, with being unemployed came depression and anxiety. The thought of when I would be homeless came to mind. It was not a good thought to be stewing upon. I was struggling with having the motivation to do anything. I isolated myself. Not because I didn’t want to be social but because I’d rather be in bed and not talk to anyone. For the most part, that was what I did. l was fine at the beginning of the unemployment mind you. But as the months passed, I just shut down and shut people out. And that was not good. Not just for me but for the people around me. I worried them and that was not good. I started bouncing back around October and from then I’ve been kind of establishing the routine that I lost. So far, I’ve been doing okay. Sure I still have bad days but not often. So I will take that.
Reading. I devoured some good books. Heaven Official’s Blessing is at the forefront for sure. This series did put me in a good mood. It was a nice escape from my brain. Craig & Fred was a memoir that I enjoyed a lot. I found gems in the manga/manhwa/manhua format – You Get Me Going, How My Daddies Became Mates, Given. There’s a lot more of course but these three became my favorites off the bat. In total, I read 177 items for 2023 – 56% of which were manhwa, 25% being novels. Out of the items I read, 67% were webtoons, 17% were in physical format, and 16% were eBooks. Sure my consumed genre could use a bit of diversification but hey, the genre that I mostly read was worth it.
Goals for 2024. I have some resolutions of course. The regular “lose XX lbs”, “read XX physical books”, “save $XX”. I did break these yearly goals into mini-goals so that I can at least keep track of them more efficiently and so it’s not so daunting to do them. All I know is that I’m ready to get my life on track this year. I was a mess last year, I need some kind of control over my life.
- Title: Parasyte –the maxim–
- Episodes: Season 1 – 24 episodes
- Where to Watch: Crunchyroll and Hulu
- Publisher: ntv
I always have misgivings about watching a well-loved anime. And Parasyte was up there. It was highly recommended. It has a 4.8 rating on Crunchyroll for crying out loud. The buzz was high when this anime came out. So there was an apprehension on my part. But my partner picked it so we watched it.
The premise is solid. We follow Shinichi Izumi who was partially infected by a Parasyte. However, these Parasytes that suddenly infect the world are also monsters that enjoy butchering and consuming humans to survive. We see Izumi navigate life in this as he learns to coexist with Migi so that he can survive in this messy world of carnage. For the most part, I loved the action sequences and enjoyed Izumi’s character development. It was good.
My favorite character, hands down, is Migi. There was a mishap when he tried to “consume” Izumi. Instead of entering Izumi’s ear to get to the brain, Migi had no choice but to burrow into Izumi’s arm instead. This led to an unsuccessful takeover of Izumi’s whole body. But he was able to control his right arm instead. From the beginning, Migi’s main focus was his survival. Nothing else. He was emotionless, logical, and smart. He learned the ways of the humans by reading and researching while Izumi slept at night. Migi’s character development was subtle. From just protecting Izumi to working with him to try and fight the cannibalistic humans taken over by his kind. This symbiosis between Migi and Izumi flourished when something happened that forced Migi to fully integrate into Izumi’s body.
Izumi’s change really happened after Migi’s full integration into his body. Where Migi’s changes were subtle, Izumi’s character development was pretty drastic. Complete 180. And I was there for it. I ate it up. It was so good. This boy has been through a lot so I was not surprised why the change in him was so severe and so palpable, visceral. I loved it. I enjoyed it.
There was also another character in this anime whose character development I appreciated so much. And that is Ryoko Tamiya. Oh she was heartless and calculating and scary. Again, these creatures’ main objective is to survive. She wanted to blend in with the humans. Studying their emotions, their patterns, their lives. And when she was introduced, yeah, she was murderous. I mean, they needed to consume humans to survive. But with her constant research, she found a way to coexist with the humans. She gained some humanity in the end. Also awakening Izumi’s humanity that he buried along the way.
There were storylines that I think are not needed. The love story for example. This could be attributed to the fact that I really think Satomi Murano is not a good character. I don’t understand why she was there. I honestly thought she was there to help Izumi to rediscover humanity but she didn’t even do that! All this character did was question Izumi’s changes. She didn’t like it when Izumi was cold and heartless. She didn’t like it when he changed back. I was very aggravated when she was on the screen. I almost wanted to drop the anime just because she was on the screen all the time. And don’t even get me started on the ending. To say that I was disappointed is a huge understatement.
Anyway, this anime was good. I mean, the execution for the most part was great and enjoyable. Like any other anime, there would always be characters and/or storylines that I would not like. Would I watch it again, no. I’m good to just say that I watched the anime.